Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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