I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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