The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
