I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize