Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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