Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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