my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
