So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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