When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
