I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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