why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
