Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
