i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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