My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
