he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
