I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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