i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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