i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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