I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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