i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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