i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
