The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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