New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
