Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
