Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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