Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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