i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
