Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
