and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize