I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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