I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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