Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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