Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
