His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
