A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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