Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
