What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
