I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
