The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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