make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
