don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
