Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
