The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
