Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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