Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
