Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
