i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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