someone get that fucking seahorse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
