Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
