its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
