Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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