At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
