Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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