i permit you to call me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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