Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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