remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize