OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
