it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
