sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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