Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
