If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
